My match.com profiles

I’ve recently started thinking about trying out match.com to meet some girls in this town of Charlotte, which is still pretty new to me. Well, as I went to sign up, using the yahoo email address I’ve had for 15 years now, I realized I am still blacklisted. Back in the day I saved each posting, to amuse myself at a later date. That day has arrived. Shown below are the profiles (the “about me” and “what I’m looking for”) I used during that one year – including the one that got me banned. I’m actually surprised I lasted a year, but I’m even more surprised that I’m still banned. Come on people.

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My very first attempt at writing a good profile…
January 26, 2002

About me:
I have a very strong feeling that I'll never date again. Chicks don't dig me. I don't get it. I rarely insult them and don't swear at them more than an average guy would. I don't like watching sports with women because they just don't get it. Women are generally less intelligent than men. They are better at cleaning though, I'll give them that much. I like to watch lots of tv. I usually am taping a show while I'm watching one, that way I'll always have something available. When I do get out, I like to go to the airport and make fun of people. I like to stand in the walking lane of the moving walkway. I always drive 10 miles per hour less than the speed limit unless I'm in a school zone. Children bother me. They are usually less intelligent than women in general. Female children are especially dumb. I always look for the best in people and enjoy going out and having a good time. Sound nice? Let's meet.

My ideal match:
My ideal match is a girl who doesn't talk much. She has to be hot and un-opinionated. I don't mean regarding politics and things like that, I mean she has to not have likes and dislikes of her own. If I like something then she must like it too. My ideal match would enjoy getting me beers. She would be good at cooking and great at paying for the meal when we go out. She has to tip good too, I hate cheap-skates. Her mother has to be either dead or really hot. I don't need extra baggage unless it's good looking baggage, if you know what I mean. My ideal match would be caring and considerate and compassionate towards the less fortunate, and have a really great rack.


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March 15th, 2002

About me:
I've had my profile on Match for over 6 months now and none of you chicks has contacted me. What's wrong with you? Did you not see my picture? You're not going to get anyone better looking than me. While we're on the topic, what tragic event happened in your life that made you decide you aren’t going to be able to find a guy unless you go online? You decide not to leave the house anymore? Someone pour battery acid on your face? Listen, if I was a chick, I’d be able to find a guy without having to shop online for him. Enough of that, I don’t mean to put you down. All I’m saying is I’m probably the best guy you’re ever going to get to go out with you. And I don’t mean that in a good way. Your options are drying up, sister. So email me. Let’s go out.

My ideal match:
What I’m looking for in a woman?… well that’s a tough one. How about- the exact opposite of every other girl I have ever met. The last 25 girls I’ve gone out with have had the mental acuteness of my Alzheimer afflicted grandmother. At least my grandmother knew when to shut her mouth. I’m looking for a girl who doesn’t talk much. My perfect match would have very low self-esteem. I think a lot of women don’t understand their subordinate role in the world and that causes conflict in relationships. Most of the women I have gone out with have not had serious relationships. I’ve had over 40 serious relationships, so I know what I’m talking about. If you know how to take orders and cook eggs, we’ll probably get along. So email me. Let’s go out.


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April 6th, 2002

About me:
I'm the kind of guy who appreciates the inner beauty of woman, but she's got to have a smokin’ body or I won't talk to her. I often have to avoid the small talk of ugly women in the supermarket. Women who are even 10 pounds overweight repulse me. Why do they even leave the house? It's disgusting. All women should weigh less than 110 pounds, I don't care how tall you are. I avoid educated women. Women with opinions are usually trying to cover for something, like stretch marks maybe. Women who are beautiful now but once were fat need not apply. I don't want to accidentally happen upon a picture of your former fat self while I'm eating a meal. Women should cook for me and not eat until I am finished. Even at the drive thru at Taco Bell this rule applies: Until I've eaten the last bite of my taco supreme, your soft taco stays in the wrapper. No exceptions.


My ideal match:
My ideal match would treat me with respect. I consider myself to be a renaissance man, I understand the new role of women in the workforce, however they in no way should be paid anywhere near the salary of their male counterparts. I don't mind working for a woman so long as she understands that she is not allowed to tell me what to do. There is a pecking order in the business world. She can boss around all the other women in the office but if I feel like taking a three-hour lunch, I better not hear a peep out of her. If this all sounds great to you, send me an email, I look forward to meeting you.

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July 30th, 2002

About me:
I like to balance things on my body. Sometimes it's as simple as a wine glass on my knee. Other times it's as elaborate as a spoon. I don't do this to impress anyone. It's purely for religious reasons. I have spent the better part of my adult life learning to make my own peanut butter. So far I have been able to make a powdery nut substance which lacks any ability to be spread. I will not give up though. I get along good with people's parents. I usually take my date's parents to the library three days after our first date. I encourage them to check out books about plastics and their uses in medicine. I have a keen understanding of why people buy groceries. Each day I write something new in my journal, unless what I did during that day was illegal or immoral.

My ideal match:
My ideal match would use hand signals when driving a car. It's seems to me to be sort of a lost art. I don't do it though, because it looks stupid. I would want my girlfriend to know the average age of various groups of people; dentists, cooks, lawyers. I am looking for a girl who is a land-owner. I understand why someday it may make sense for women to have the right to vote.

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And the one that ended it all…
January 25th, 2003

About me:
I fell in love once. I remember the feeling, just me and her. I remember looking into her eyes feeling like there could never be another woman in my life. I remember the look in her eyes as I tried to talk her down from $200 to $150 for the 45 minutes of love we made that night. I remember the laughter we shared when we recalled the moment we met - trying to figure out if each other was a cop. I know that I'm capable of having that kind of love again. I know that I can give of myself the way I did that night. So many guys are afraid to take that next step. I'm not one of those guys. I want a real relationship. I want a girl who can look past the hundreds of dollars I've spent on whores since 1987 and see the true me - a sensitive caring man who wants to be your loving soulmate, no matter how unattractive you are.

My ideal match:
I'm looking for a girl who wants nothing more than a 7 night stand. I'm not a one-night stand kind of guy. I appreciate a girl who doesn't give it up on dates 1 through 3. But I cannot stand a girl who doesn't give it up in the first 14 minutes of date number 4. My perfect girl would have ridiculously low morals. I'm not talking about a girl who just sleeps around. I'm talking about the type of girl who not only sleeps around, but one who would have no problem sleeping with my brother, or my sister for that matter. My perfect match also has to have a strong Christian background.